At first, I kind of liked Professor Read-A-Lot. He had, frankly, a pretty awesome moustache, and I always found a man with a slide-rule extremely attractive. And mom said that I should always trust someone wearing a lab coat and nothing else, and this was the first time it came up. He seemed to have a […]
(Dang, I can’t find an image from the Sandman comic of “Beware the Brides of Frankenstein. Trust me, it’s a sterling reference. Here, have something crazy instead.) “The first bride…the first bride was a failed experiment, Igor. But I have learned. I have learned that I should never have stopped at ONE. And also, the […]
I’m pretty sure you haven’t seen one of these before. Whatever the heck it is. Wherever you’re supposed to put it, however you’re supposed to wear it, whatever appetizers you’re supposed to serve in it, you’re not prepared to face this on a Monday, so here it is. The jury is entirely out as to […]
Look! Up in the sky! There’s a lot going on here. We’ve got flying Jesus with searchlight halo.  We’ve got a VERY WEIRD deformed monkey foot thing happening, as if Jesus’s leg was really more of a semi-vestigial hand and arm growing from out His posterior, and I apologize for that image. We have pectorals SO […]
I promise, this is not upside-down. Do you remember when your mom got you a copy of “Highlights for Children?” Or maybe you found it in the dentist’s office, there was usually a copy there on that corner shelf. I don’t know, I’m obviously not you. About halfway through there’d be a games section, and […]
Once in a while, the skies part, a shaft of light descends from the heavens, distantly you hear trumpets, and there’s a handmade bowl covered with creepy aliens at the Salvation Army. That’s only happened a few times, but finally, this time, I had a camera. Someone put a lot of work into this. A […]
I’m tired of Christmas. Let’s blow it up. She couldn’t be restrained to the Goodwill art section. She had bigger plans. She clenched the stick of dynamite between her teeth, struck a match off the stark black and white of an Ansel Adams close-up of a boulder against a cliff, and lobbed the explosive […]
I have news for you: That’s…not a necklace. In fact, you probably shouldn’t wear that at all unless it’s been heavily sanitized. I realize, weirdly skeletal man-thing that you are, this may not have occurred to you, but I want to assure you: The toilet seat is not meant to be worn, neither as an […]
Happy Independence Day! Or for non-Statesian readers, happy Wednesday, have some of our fine local schlock. It’s not widely known that Norman Rockwell had an interest in the strange and paranormal. In fact, much of the small town retro-40s inspiration came from the realms beyond, in his most productive period from 1988-1991 he rarely left his small Orlando […]
Because lord knows, babies hate to miss “pooh week.” They’re really all about pooh. He’s even wearing the team colors. This assumes the team colors are jarring red, cheerful yellow, and “gently used spaghetti-os” brown, and that Pooh would have some of that action leaking down his chin. I’m willing to make this assumption, though, […]