Angels. They have those flowing white robes, a bit of a tendency toward androgyny, and they’re ever so holier-than-thou (although, being angels, it’s probably allowed. Have you ever wondered what was up those shiny white robes? The truth may puzzle and disturb you. Angels are spun from the thoughts of God, of course. Everyone knows […]
I think I was joking about the shepherds and the angels singing “Be Thou Not Afraid!” Not this time. Be afraid. Be rather a lot afraid. This is from a little-known story–it’s in the Apocrypha, the Infancy Gospel of James actually–about the Miracle of the Empty Buckets. In my church we’d celebrate it usually on […]
What is the sound of a chorus of angels made of beer cans? It’s not “Alleluia, Alleluia,” it’s probably not even “Fa la la la la la,” though it might be “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” in four-part discord. (Incidentally, I tried to look up the definition of “proparation”, there isn’t one. My […]
There are some word that you just never have the oppo to use in the singular form. This is a tong. This may be one of the most useless items I’ve ever seen at the Salvation Army, which is a pretty high bar. Not only have we lost our one unique selling proposition in some sort […]
It’s so awkward…you’re getting ready for the big night, you’ve picked your best dress–the one that makes you look like “Miss Corn Huskers Hand Lotion 2012” and stapled yourself to the best watermelon slice in town, and you hear his horn honking outside–hope he rented a limo, because this lady’s watermelon doesn’t fit in a […]
In heaven, every angel gets a lovely pearl-studded sea urchin when they go on their first flight. It’s actually a sweet little ceremony, unless they, like, misjudge the distance and velocity or something. Which happens, and usually makes Elysium’s Funniest Home Videos every time. Maybe that’s not a sea urchin. It’s got a certain aquatic life form happening, […]
Little-known fact about angels: God made them out of chewing gum. Used chewing gum. Some strawberry, mostly, and whatever flavor happens when you mash up Bazooka Joe pink with lime. It’s really only important that they’re approximately humanoid. You know, a suggestion of arms. People’s imaginations fill in the rest. BTW, be careful of the wings. They’re […]
Okay, so I know broken stuff isn’t actually funny, because, OMG broken stuff at Goodwill? Say it ain’t so! Except sometimes it is. Also, I don’t really like angels. Or happy couples. Anyway. Angel? Cloud fairy? I can’t tell. Something from column A, something from column B. Regardless, she probably shouldn’t have played that last […]
Hmm…writer in search of better title here. Bueller? Dozens injured or killed last Thursday as the Christmas Train jumped its tracks, caused in part by reality melting like a pat of butter on a camp stove. Actually, the train pretty much stayed on its tracks. Not how I remembered this particular snow globe at all. […]
Perhaps you’ve grown up thinking of snow as light and feathery. The kind of thing that drifts from the sky, breezes around a bit, then settles in such a way that heroes in a few winter-themed action movies or Christmas flicks could use it to break a particularly bad fall. This really isn’t that kind […]