Okay, so she’s notÂ exactly a Christmas doll, but a little bit of red and green, she’s holding a baby, notÂ that much of a stretch. Anyway, I want her out of my photo queue, she’s really bothering me.
It’s those eyes. Â Those pimento-stuffed-olive eyes.
The tiny stick-like T-Rex arms, they also bother me. Weirdly wedge-shaped head like an anthropomorphic piece of candy corn? That, also, is creepy.
I understand that parents would make their children dolls like this as a form of punishment. Â “If you’re good, Santa won’t leave you anything this year. If you’re bad…do you want another doll?”
“no no doll”
“Very good. I’m glad we understand each other.”
Sometimes, snowmen become too real. They cross the uncanny valley without melting, and journey from our hearts into our nightmares. I don’t, personally, think a snowman has ever needed feet.
Or at least not those feet.
Or those pants, for that matter, but I won’t judge the fashion sense of a snowman. If my head was filled with ice and half a carrot, I’d probably mix stripes and checks, too. Â But IÂ will judge those feet. If I was imagining a horror movie snowman, lurching along and killing innocent ski lodge tourists or maybe a young couple whose car broke down in Montana, he would have those feet.
He might also have that face, until his mouth broke open and turned out to be filled fangs made of icicles or some junk like that.
Okay, I was really traumatized by a snowman when I was five. Someone built him right outside my bedroom window, and I’ve never really recovered from it. Don’t judge me.
Creepy Doll Savers on Burnet and North Loop, Creepy Snowman from Goodwill on Metric and 183, Austin