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Creepy Mrs Claus and Goth Choirboys

You cannot possibly understand his or her pain.

I mean, have you tried to be tragic and pale when you’re so obviously a “summer”? These are real problems, people. You can’t wear black velvet when you have gold hair. Also, “Sisters of Mercy” are seriously underrepresented in the 1986 Hymnal.

11-23-13ALMetrChoir4

When in doubt, layer on that base with a trowel. Just keep applying it in thin layers until you’ve got a foundation that’s maybe a half-inch thick. Then wet a paper towel, lay it over your face, gently touch with a feathery hand, and remove–that’s how you get that unusual golf ball texture that was so big after Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before PGA Tournament came out.

11-23-13ALMetrChoir5

I really should have bought them. They would be the only Christmas ornaments I own–maybe have ever seen–with their mascara running.

Except for the Tammy Faye Bakker Nativity Set, which was amazing.

11-23-13ALMetrChoir3

Gaze into pure yuletide horror. If this is what Santa has to come home to, no wonder he stops at almost every house in the world on his way home. Yerk, that face.

8-4-13Gw2222MrsClaus2

I think she might actually be an alien. Not human. Which would explain her strangely glasslike ornamental chest covering. It’s to protect her exposed frembulator from the harsh purple and indigo of our star spectrum. The little green thing is seasonal decoration. Like parsley.

8-4-13Gw2222MrsClaus3

Three strange probes emerge from the green stocking filled with a dark, unknown liquid. Sensing your curiosity, she chitters amiably. The sound is part insectile, part the harsh grating of metal on metal, part the melodic intonations of Fran Drescher. Perhaps this is comforting. Perhaps she is singing a Christmas greeting in her own language.

8-4-13Gw2222MrsClaus1

 

Strange light and  a cloud of smoke emanate from the base of her Mickey Mouse Hoverplatform as she takes to the sky,  the stanza from the secret “Night Before Christmas” the Vatican doesn’t want you to know about.

Choirboi from Salvation Army near Metric and 183, Horrid Mrs Claus from Goodwill on 2222 and Lamar, Austin

December 27, 2013   TV's Jacob
Uncategorized 12days2013, Christmas, Holiday Posts

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2 Responses to “Creepy Mrs Claus and Goth Choirboys”

  1. Reply
    Brunettepet / 29 Dec 2013 10:58am #

    Those choir people are inspirational. I need to work on achieving that textured effect so I can create a horde of them to haunt my front windows next Christmas. Dozens of pairs of soulless eyes and faintly disgusted looks will keep the visiting family at bay.

    Disturbing Mrs. Claus has driven the mister to stray far from hearth and home.

  2. Reply
    hotclaws / 30 Dec 2013 9:36am #

    The last one has been hit in the face with a frosted cake in an attempt to stop her.

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