…but it’s not. And that will be your personal tragedy: when you look up to see what the hell time it is that your neighbor’s dog is barking, or see if your version of Martha’s quinoa and flax-seed pikelet with Crème fraîche is officially al carbone, or if Judge Judy is working it judiciary-style, you will say, “but it has no meaning, not really, because I know my clock isn’t all that.
Rest assured, this clock is all that. It has diamonds AND unicorns AND roses AND a little crown. Does your clock have a little crown? No. It probably tells time better because it doesn’t have a butterfly stuck to its second hand, but it most likely doesn’t have a crown.
From a distance, I thought “My god! $4.99! Why, alone the precious metals and rare gems must be worth five times that much! TEN times!” But up close, I knew I would never be able to melt this down for scrap gold. Not just because it’s the single most amazing timepiece in the western world, but also because it’s made of a thin layer of plastic and gold film laminate and would probably just catch on fire.
“Please don’t melt me down for scrap gold! I’m a lovely unicorn!”
Don’t worry, big fella.
Here we have an almost medieval torture: First, pin a butterfly to a sweep second hand. Make sure he’s always just out of reach of a tasty little bouquet of daisies and roses. Then, put in a battery. Months of “ohboyoboyoboy…oh.”
Disappointment, thy name is butterfly. At least you could be admiring the diamonds. Let their cold lustre give you comfort as you next approach perihelion with the daisies.
Thrift Town on Stassney and Manchacha, Austin