Be easy on him, it’s been a hard holiday. After Christmas, he just likes to curl up in a nice, snow-encrusted gutter and sleep the 10.2 million sherries off until Mardi Gras. If the elves are lucky, they can find him and drag him back north, but really, it’s not worth the effort. The important thing is that the little kiddies don’t see him like this.
“Just a couple more weeks, luv, I’ll be up and about b’fr its Martin Luther King day, promish. Anyway it’s warm here. In the snow. Go way. I’ll give you a prezzie if you sod off. Ten prezzies. All the fghn prezzies. Just leave me alone.”
There’s a rich tapestry of Santa traditions going back almost 1,000 years. In some of those traditions, Santa apparently flies around the world in a giant log, and might possibly be undead. Which may explain how he’s able to fly the log…weird undead powers. Also, how he’s been kicking around for 1,000 years.
The “log” tradition evolved naturally into eight tiny reindeer. We won’t tell you how. Maybe some of the branches looked like antlers. Or they put bells around the log, and someone got confused and thought “oh, probably reindeer,” instead of “oh, probably a giant floating log.” Or maybe, after a few days in that outfit, he started to smell like a moose. Who knows how stories evolve?
The sound effect, just so you know, is EXACTLY like the little “bleedeebleebleedeeble” noise the Jetson’s car makes. The smell, however, is 100% caribou.
The face…the face is special.
Back in the cold days of the Siberian winter, to hear the approach of Santa was to hear an omen of death. Usually, Santa’s death. He just kind of cruised in and keeled over. In fact, finding a big pile of Santas on your land was an open of a good harvest the next year.
Have you ever asked yourself “What would Santa look like if he was drawn by Harold Gray, the artist of ‘Little Orphan Annie’?”
Ask no longer. If you were asking. Which, frankly, we doubt.
For this exercise, Santa’s eyes have been replaced by giant blueberries, but only for educational purposes. That is, to help people learn what Santa would look like if his eyes were replaced with giant blueberries. Santa will not be able to appreciate this learning opportunity, though. Because of the blueberries.
That deer’s up to something. It has a plan.
“Come, children! Come to Santa! Do not fear my blueberry eyes, for they are filled with joy, and laughter! And tiny black seeds!”
Give Santa a kiss. You know you want to. Taste the yule.
Drunk globe Santa from Goodwill on 2222 and Lamar, Yule Log Santa from Goodwill on Slaughter and South 1st, Ill-Painted Santa from Goodwill near the “Y” in Oak Hill