Because that was when the robot Santas began their attack. At first we thought they were some sort of strange new toy, the way they bobbled around the table, running into things, occasionally their heads falling off and rolling onto the floor. Then they brought out the tiny silver disintegration rays.
Which, surprisingly, wasn’t the weirdest part. And neither was the part when they leaned forward, exposing the missile launcher embedded in their backs, the one that launched two-inch payloads that blew up the tree, scared the hell out of the cat, and got silver and gold confetti all over the floor.
Although that was pretty weird.
No, the weirdest part was the way they never stopped saying “ho ho ho ho” the entire time.
On the plus side, it turned out they were just trying to find the plate full of cookies. I’m hoping that means none of us were on Santa’s “naughty” list this year, because if this is what the nice kids get, I’m not sure we could survive the alternative. And we still can’t find the cat. I think she may be up the chimney.
Bend over…here comes Christmas!
I am not entirely comfortable with filling Santa up with candies and eating from him. This is not “TIDINGS,” it’s just depraved. I’m also not familiar with the posture Santa’s taking. He seems to be too into the “living candy dish” thing, and I don’t want to deal with other people’s fetishes on Christmas, even Santa’s fetishes. And that’s a pretty weird one. Weirder than the elves.
In 2012, Santa started going meta.
Behold: A Santa made upÂ of other, smaller santas. It’s not like the clever Russian nesting dolls, where Santa merelyÂ contains other Santas–no, the santas have joined together to formÂ Mecha-Kyojin-Yokina Santa. Of course, he was like 30 feet tall and couldn’t fit into the sleigh anymore, but that’s a small price…for progress.
Gaze upon me and tremble! For even my legs are also Santas! There is no part of me that is not Santa, and I contain ALL SANTAS. Instead of a saint, you shall have a queen! Not plump, but jolly and terrible as the morn! All shall love me and…
Ah. Sorry. Onto the squid-santa.
I imagine this fellow slowly floating through the seas near the north pole, occasionally drifting down from the surface of the ocean to settle, gently, upon a harp seal, and burrow into his flesh to devour him from the inside, out. Perhaps that’s how the larval form of santa spreads, inside its otarine hosts.
It’s the beard I would be only mildly worried about the floating head of Santa, but lord knows, I’ve seen my share of Santa heads at Goodwill. No, this is the first one I’ve seen that looks like an octopus, dragging its way across the sea floor with its beardy tendrils.
I’ve heard that octopus santa can squeeze down a chimney 1/10 his size. Amazing.
>Robot Santas from Goodwill on 2222, Somewhat Indecent Candy Bowl Santa from Oak Hill Goodwill, Santa of Other Santas from Texas Thrift in San Antonio off Ingram, octo-santa from my favorite thrift store, the christmastacular Goodwill on 183 and Lamar. Oh, 183 Goodwill…I’m standing under the mistletoe!