Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): You, Aquarius, probably make squelching sounds when you walk, and leave tiny wee dainty foot prints wherever you roam, because you have been pouring bottles of infinite water on your feet. We do not know why you do this. Perhaps your feet were hot.
This week, you may find yourself wanting to dress like a giant ladybug. Go for it, Aquarius. Maybe this is your chance to meet that special someone. We hope that a ladybug-fancier will be more tolerant of your strange, oval head. Remember, Aquarius–horizontal stripes are slimming. Unless, of course, you’re dressed like a giant ladybug, in which case, give up on slimming, embrace your inner coleoptera.
Remember, Aquarius, not to cover your head in tiny seeds, like a strawberry. We do not know why Aquarius in particular makes this mistake. And yet, they continue to. It is, we will allow, an impressive fashion statement.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): Remember, Scorpio, that dressing up like Southwestern folk art, perhaps a horned toad or some sort of cheerfully-painted cuttlefish, will not change the fact that you are a horrible bug. Give up.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): For the love of god, Virgo, eat something. And not a calla lily, we suggest that you invest in some serious starches, maybe some muffins or bagels. We would also ask you to see a specialist, because you might find that your arms are growing directly out of your floating ribs. Perhaps you’ve grown your hair long to hide this exciting deformity, but really, Virgo, you’re only fooling yourself. Besides, you’re a Virgo, and should by now have adjusted to your basically unlovable nature. Marry a Pisces, they deserve it.
About your shoes, Virgo. Or possibly, about your feet. Perhaps this is something you should also bring up with your specialist. We do not think that wrapping your tragic little appendages in electrical tape is a valid approach to footwear, and it does not conceal how strange and distended your feet actually are. However, it may add valuable interest to your party conversation, and could possibly impress goths.
Your lucky numbers are 55 and 23. Sitting on top of giant mushrooms is good for relieving lower back pain, particularly the kind caused by having mutant arms out from just above your hips. The stars know, we find that pretty painful, it must be worse for you.
Salvation Army near Peyton Gin and 183. Apologies to any Virgos out there, and co-sympathy to anybody dating one :)