Well, they do. And sometimes you just have to tell the world, using a simple woodburning kit and a block of leftover oak. In the artist’s defense (I don’t know the artist, but let’s just call her “Marjorie”) this was probably one of a number of “projects” you could do at camp. But what kind of a camp, you ask? Girl scouts? West New Brunswick interregional woodburners and handicrafts camp? No, this is a black tie affair.
In my imagination, which is a beautiful place, I’m seeing upper-level executives taking a few precious moments out of their six-figure lives to string together some pony beads and represent for the Lamb of God. After Marjorie got into her limousine, she had a brief, heated argument with her chauffer.
“Jeeves, hang this on the rear view mirror.”
“No, Mrs. G., it’s a five-pound block of oak.”
“Hang it. Do you know who I AM?”
“I do know who you are, Mrs. G.”
“And do you know how important I am?”
“I know you came back from VIP camp, and just like last year, you bring back a five pound block of wood on a piece of yarn and ask me to hang it on the mirror. And last time, you know, it broke and killed the dog.”
“I had a dog?”
“You did, Mrs. G.”
“Oh…I remember…he was the only creature that was happy to see me.”
“That’s not true, Mrs. G., and you know it.”
“But he’s dead, Jeeves. Now I haven’t got anyone.”
“Mrs. G., you just turn that block of wood around, and you tell me you don’t have anyone.”
“…thank you, Jeeves.”
“Mrs G., it’s not me you should be thanking.”
Aaaanyway! This is Jesus’s big week, so it’s good to give him some time in the sunlight! Let him out of your pocket and into the big, wide world!
I’m pretty sure Jesus has looked better than this. But this time of year, everything’s a little crazy. Including Jesus.
As far as I can tell, Mary, flies in from outer space on a flying rose-stuffed taco, powered exclusively by high-octane, 90,000-horsepower messiah. The awesomest part is the way it does not in any way mess up either her hair or her halo, though I really think the whole experience massively freaks out Jesus. He’s got that “Jumping me on a pogo stick!” expression that I get when I’m driving anywhere in Austin at 3:30. Mary, though, she’s cool.
I’m not sure how the bracelet and Jesus relate to each other. Jesus is clearly doing the blessing, albeit at a very fast, frantic pace. Who’s the blessed? If you wear this poster as a wrist-bangle, are YOU blessed? Or does the lady re-shelving the coffee mugs give you an angry glare?
The latter, unfortunately.
So, before you go into Holy Week and the fun-filled, crazy roller coaster before Easter, remember this one, important thing:
Jesus is much, MUCH bigger than you, and he likes to walk around with his eyes closed. Don’t let him trip over your scale model of an illudium phosdex molecule. Cripers. Clean this place up.
“Everybody Needs Jesus” block from Goodwill on 183 and Metric. Weird Madonna picture from 2222 and Lamar Goodwill, and the Godzilla-Jesus from the new Goodwill in Oak Hill, which is a great store, try to make it there if you can!