Saint Thuribaldi Alphonso Sparkletoes (1278 AD-1322 AD) is only a recent addition to the hagiography, his contribution to the church hasn’t been recognized until the last few years, when the Holy See finally got a sense for footwear and a well-turned heel.
Sparkletoes was beatified only a few years after his deathâ€”clearly his death was martyrdom in service to the church, as he was killed during his efforts to spread the faith to an encampment of Roman pedicurists who occupied Sant’ Agnese fuori le Mura, changing the old church from a temple to a foot spaâ€”death by nail clipper is a slow, terrible way to go.
Turn around, Thuribaldi, let’s see your pretty face.
Here we can see St. Sparkletoes holding many of his traditional relics and insignia. Of course, he’s wearing his traditional magenta lipstick, rouge, and nail polish, which shows how faith in and adoration of God can conceal our base nature. Under his arm we see his traditional towel and pedicure pillow, which, in the Mass of St. Sparkletoes, show how even the most humble of things can be raised up in celebration. Like, toes.
Traditionally, he is shown holding a foam toe separator sponge, or sometimes a rolled up piece of paper towel, to keep us mindful of the strict life of discipline observed by both the monastic soul and pedicurist. However, it is often misinterpreted as a rolled bread or dumpling of some sort, and for this reason, Thuribaldi is often invoked in prayers of protection against burritos.
Everyone knows what the fuschia cord and tassle means.
He was also a 14th degree Freemason.
To be fair, nail painting technology has advanced by nearly 1000 years from the days when people would just dunk half their foot in a bucket of red ochre and called it a day.
Goodwill on 183 and Metric, where all truly good things come, and where, ultimately, they will go.
5 Responses to “Blessed St. Sparkletoes”
Why is one leg painted green at the back? Inquiring minds need to know.
Hmm…I was going to talk about that, but must have forgotten in my fevered ramblings. That shows that, no matter how celestial St. Sparkletoes is, one leg is still planted on the earth. *nods sagely*
Thanks for the giggles.
I wiggles my toes in your honor.
Is he holding a pair of ancient SpongeBob Squarepants?
The ancient spongebob squarepants is next week, I think!