If you read last week’s “Won’t You Buy My Shells?” you may have noticed that Our Lady of the Shell Hoopskirt is staring at something in horror. You may have asked, “What would make someone who’s composed entirely of clam shells afraid? Besides, of course, a starfish.”
The answer (of course!) is that she’s staring into the face of wisdom, and is justifiably unnerved. You would be too.
Wisdom is obviously some sort of owl-zombie, its face a cruel mockery of life formed from clay by either an ill-tempered god or a malign six-year-old with special needs. The pricetag is a nice touch–Wisdom! Only $.99! Get your own today!
Is this creature truly “wise” in any legitimate sense of the word? I mean, sure, he’s got a fetching little mortarboard hat, but I think someone replaced his eyes with lumps of bubble gum. Or maybe he’s just some strange cork-bird? “Kids, don’t be like me. I was a success, had a great degree from a great college, a car, a wife made of shells. Then I threw it all away. I covered my body with cork, replaced my eyes with gumballs, and then I became an owl. Kids…don’t choose to be a cork-covered, bubble-gum-faced zombie owl. Choose wisdom. Remember, Wisdom is the wise choice.”