You may be wondering, if you’re in one of the several states where the spread of oil threatens your local ecosystem, “how do I keep our birds safe?” Certainly the spill in the gulf is the greatest petroleum-based threat to avians in recent memory, bigger than when John Travolta’s hair wiped out a flock of seagulls in 1978 (the glare confused them). Some people go to nonsensical extremes.
But sealing your waterfowl away from the world in a glass box is only delaying the inevitable. They must be free…free to fly, free to find out who’s got half their beaks. Free to be birds.
Plus, an all-glass bird cage is really kind of revolting after a few weeks. Trust me.
So, third time’s the charm, right? But begin with confidence, paint with bold orange acrylic, and REALLY permanent marker. This is a house for BRIDS, damn it. Write it proud.
After teacher gently corrects you, and you realize your mistake, you know that day-glo orange and blood-red will probably scare away the brids. So, entrance two, a more inviting one. A gentle invitation for the brids. How we love them. We love them.
What? Well, crap.
After teacher uses the standardÂ copy editor’sÂ mark for “transposition” to show the error of your ways, and maybe held your hand this time, it’s time to decorate! A little glitter-caulk just about covers up your first bold forays into spelling, and a long ribbon of drool demonstrates that this clever little contraption isn’t a three-seater, but a single bird longhouse cleverly disguised as a block of birdie condos. You were just as shocked as I was, I’m sure, so you shellac the damned thing in green, tell mom to put it on the back porch, and dare any brids to chirp their complaints. It’s a heartless universe, and a remorseless back yard. Take this, sparrows, it’s more than you deserve.
There are more sophisticated ways to mess with a songbird’s head. Bearing in mind that you couldn’t find their brains with a pair of tweezers and a Fresnel lens. The most deliciously perverse treatment is to make a birdhouse out of birds. Then watch their confusion!
That’s right, a pretty outdoor hut covered entirely with…marabou stork? Owl feather? Not a clue, but it’s GUARANTEED to scare hell out of wrens, finches, and other turdiform bug-eaters. Each night they’ll sit, quivering in their bird box, and think “Whatever’s out there, it killed an owl and stapled it to our house. Be quiet and maybe…just maybe…it’ll go after the robins.
The only thing that’s more hideous than this nasty little bird chateau is what it would look like if it was actually used. By birds. Outside, in the rain. Add a nice green slick of mold and despair to the thing, and never be bothered by finches again. I can only assume the whole thing looked better on page 35 of Martha Stewart Living, maybe after a few martinis.
Glass cage found at Goodwill on Parmer near I35. Other bird houses at Goodwill on 183 and Metric. Oh Goodwill on Metric, say the word, I’m yours.