John 11:35: And Jesus danced.
John 11:35: And Jesus danced.

Okay, so MOST of Jesus’s weekend was a total wash after that “dying on a cross” thing, and Saturday–which was the night He and the disciples would usually hit the clubs in Ephraim, because Mount Ion had the most awesome “Foam Night” party ever since Jesus got a little drunk and gave is “blessed are […]

Messiahs in the mirror may appear larger than actual size
Messiahs in the mirror may appear larger than actual size

Mirror or candle. Either way. I will allow that nobody, not even Jesus, looks their best when they’re nailed to a two-by-four on a mountain somewhere and left to die. However, no amount of martyrdom warrants being forced to be a B- in Intro to Chandlering. Or, maybe, Jesus was actually a hideous golem made […]

Random Jesii
Random Jesii

Hoboy. How do you summarize a year of bad Jesuses? More importantly, are these, like, the SAME Jesus? Or are they like mall santas, where there’s one Alpha Santa and then Santa’s helpers? There are…a LOT of Jesuses at Goodwill. Ironically, fewer at Savers. There’s some kind of irony there. It is, perhaps, unfair to […]

Every hour is Jesus hour
Every hour is Jesus hour

Take, drink. This is my V-8, which I have bought and decanted for you. Mix it with Smirnov Vodka in remembrance of me. It’s happy hour, Friday, and the savior said he was buying the drinks. He didn’t mention ANYTHING about his blood. And, for the record, JC is a mean drunk. After two or […]

Uncertain of reason for season
Uncertain of reason for season

I saw this, and sniggered for 30 seconds. My partner had to patiently explain to me that it wasn’t actually funny. I don’t care. The world must know. Secretly, snowmen are the reason for the season. They know the truth. Sure, there’s lip-service made to the messiah, but they know who the TRUE dark masters […]

Gold, Frankincense, and “Joy” Dish Detergent
Gold, Frankincense, and “Joy” Dish Detergent

Oh, Christmas. Has it finally slammed into us like a freight train again? Someone, get me another bottle, this one’s empty. No, not that bottle. I want the¬†weird stuff. My strongest hope for this bottle is that, when they fill it with brilliantly purple dishwashing detergent, it at least comes out the mouth. I’ve always […]

Death.
Death.

When was the last time you thought about how cheap the afterlife could be? I know, as a staunch traditionalist, it isn’t going to be a funeral unless I have my organs taken out and stuffed into canopic jars. But that’s expensive, and I can barely afford my yacht payments on the weekly dividends from […]

So happy. So very, very happy.
So happy. So very, very happy.

So I’ve been feeling a little guilty after last week’s embroidered “child burning in inferno” picture. It just left a weird note for me. To be fair, these ALSO weird me out, but at least they’re smiling. In fact, this first girl’s achieved a level of happiness attainable only through special surgical techniques. Thus, the […]

A well-nailed angel
A well-nailed angel

Someone out there doesn’t like angels. Okay, it’s me. But someone ELSE has been, I don’t know, trying to spike rivets into them. Which seems a little bit extreme, they’re basically well-intentioned things and probably don’t deserve metal spikes driven into them. I’m going out on a limb and saying that the artist was probably […]

Pretty much summarizes the past 40 years of modern theology…
Pretty much summarizes the past 40 years of modern theology…

Job got you down? Wife don’t understand you? Wife understands you way too well? Husband basically being a male? Domestic partner difficult to explain to family? Dog throw up on the boss? Pull up a stool, prop your feet on the rail, and tell Jesus about it. Not to be too awfully reductionist, but wouldn’t […]