Who brought the matador to the honeymoon?
Who brought the matador to the honeymoon?

Want to spice up your wedding night to truly salsarific levels? Think that special night isn’t going to be special enough? Consider bringing along a matador. What portends a life of marital bliss and steamy conjugal excitement more than a bullfighter? Wouldn’t the wedding be more exciting if someone drove a series of banderillas into […]

I have no eyes but I must scream
I have no eyes but I must scream

this may be the single biggest slap in the DIY Plaster Craft industry’s bruised and mottled face yet. First, pick the most ambitious thing on the shelf. Preferably something with a nice, tight seasonal deadline. Sit down. Clear your mind. Really clear that sucker. Then, because you’ve gotta get this painted, dried and glazed before […]

Oh, Joy
Oh, Joy

I can’t really remember what was going on here. In hindsight, it just seems a little…I don’t know, sad. Contemplative, bittersweet, possibly flavored with a vague hint of anise. A commentary on the fleeting nature of childhood, seasoned with mortality. Why would the tree look so damned much like a hangman’s gallows, if there’s an […]

Just when you thought…
Just when you thought…

I know this is a shared experience. Step one, watch “Jaws” when you’re less than 10 years old. Step two, never, ever go into the ocean again. Or even the swimming pool. Heck, the toilet was kind of suspicious for the first couple of days. This might just be worse. I have never, ever considered […]

The Dubious Little Duckling
The Dubious Little Duckling

Once upon a time, there was something that was totally, totally not a duckling. No, that’s a crap way to begin a story. Ever since he had hatched out of his egg, Chauncey had dreamed of being a duck. But the other ducks made fun of him. “You can’t float on the water,” they said, […]

Cows? Cows.
Cows? Cows.

Or possibly pig-cows. “Dark master! I give this pig to you! Take him, so that you may look favorably upon me and restore my head!” These were not, as far as I know, part of the same set originally. But they belong together. Like Laverne and Shirley, like Laurel and Hardy, like the Master and […]

“Puppets”
“Puppets”

…an animated film by David Lynch. Insert strange drone music over the title and camera pan back. They were perfect for each other.¬†Made for each other. But her political activism could cost him his place in the church, their love would have to be secret. “Oh, Reverend! What will the ladies say at the altar […]

Let down your hare?
Let down your hare?

Cher has absolutely nothing, nothing at all, on this rabbit. Because no bunny has ever been graced with amazing, Lady Godiva-esque flowing tresses like THIS bunny. And not only that, she’s got mascara like you wouldn’t believe, and I think I’m even seeing some eyeshadow. It’s like she’s a one-rabbit cosmetics testing center. Awesome. There […]

Be very, very quiet…
Be very, very quiet…

I don’t know what you heard, but the most dangerous game is actually sea unicorns. Firstly, they can only be caught by scuba-diving virgins, which is a bit of a subset of a subset. And when you get right up to them, you really realize that a mask won’t do a lot of good against […]

Last day, bring out the magi
Last day, bring out the magi

The first wise man came from the east, bearing gold. The second came bearing gifts of¬†frankincense. The third…the third was just kind of annoying. Knocked over the manger, bounced up and down on everything, generally disrupted things. He was asked to leave, but at that point, the mood had been totally ruined, and they had […]