Go ‘Pods!
Go ‘Pods!

Part cheerleader, part tentacular monster from beyond space. Nothing struts the team colors like a shambling eldritch horror. And what better sports victory than to see your enemies flee the field, gibbering and soiling themselves with terror? Yes, granted, you have to  sacrifice a referee to them on the quarters and cross-quarters, but only during football season, […]

Tubedog of unknown purpose
Tubedog of unknown purpose

I’m not sure what it is, but at least it looks happy. Although there’s a small chance that whatever it is, it eats coins, and I’m not sure that a coinophagous life form is going to do well in the new economy. Quarters are, like, expensive. You can’t just go around feeding random sock-dogs your […]

Landscape? Sunset? Upside-down? You be the judge.
Landscape? Sunset? Upside-down? You be the judge.

I’m taking it on faith that a Savers price tag is a valid indicator of which end is up. Because otherwise, I’m totally at a loss. Because giant clouds of meat drifting through the sky over a red earth, the sun rolling around beneath them like a cosmogenic dung beetle’s prize, are difficult to scan […]

Dare you sit on the FOOTSTOOL OF MADNESS??
Dare you sit on the FOOTSTOOL OF MADNESS??

From strange aeons past, ancient, terrible and alien interior decorators descended from the unfathomable depths of space to repaint the furniture. I’m afraid to sit on this. I’m afraid that it will shatter my butt’s fragile sanity. Plus, I’ve never really wanted that many tentacles that close to my posterior. And I think it might […]

We grow them automouses big around here.
We grow them automouses big around here.

Yep, real big. That one there in the field is 20 feet tall. Fed him up on my special blend of toasted oats, Scott’s Miracle-Gro, and peanut-butter chips. You should see him when we decorate him up for Christmas, with lights and a big angel on his nose, he’s a real pretty one. The popcorn-cranberry […]

One of them there hamburgerpots
One of them there hamburgerpots

Goodwill is filled with little mysteries. This may also be filled with little mysteries, I didn’t have the courage to turn it upside down and shake it. I thought bugs might fall out or something. And then the cashier would get mad because I took the bugs out, and I’d have to pay for it, […]

Angry, angry fish-eating orb
Angry, angry fish-eating orb

The aliens have landed. They’ve come for your swordfish. Finally, the one villain we really need to call Aquaman for. Granted, he’s pretty third-string so far as superheros go, but if weirdly biological gilled orbs are stealing our swordfish, he’s the man I want on the case.  Unless, you know, Green Lantern’s not busy. Because, let’s […]

I think it’s probably a fruck.
I think it’s probably a fruck.

Because otherwise, it’d be a dog, and that’s not as fun to say. I’m trying to remember if I ever heard anyone say “As white as fruck’s teeth” or “happy as a fruck.” And I’m in the south, we’re all about the crazy similes here. So I’m pretty sure that, if there were frucks in […]

An epic journey into Art
An epic journey into Art

Why didn’t I buy this? I’m still kicking myself for leaving it on the shelf at Goodwill. But honestly, some things are more deeply meaningful when you’re 16 and/or have just finished seven lines of powdered Flintstones Chewables and are starting to hear colors. But neither here nor there. Here, have some Art. Busy, busy. […]

Don’t fence me in
Don’t fence me in

I’m not sure what we’re trying to fool here. Lizards, I understand, have very tiny brains, but I can’t think but that even  an incredibly dim skink would realize the raw, unadulturated artificiality of this life-like enclosed ecosystem. But on the plus side, at least there’s reading material in the bathroom. It might make sense […]