Princess of Toyland
Princess of Toyland

From her parapet high in the great tower of her Dream Castle she surveys all of her land, batteries included, batteries excluded, batteries not technically necessary. Broadly speaking, she is pleased with her domain, but once in a while her subjects¬†displease her. And then, she makes an example of them. They’ll make a really cute […]

Oh Garfield, No
Oh Garfield, No

I don’t know what horrible disease this poor cat got. A really bad case of 50s diner¬†aesthetic, perhaps. Or maybe a good old-fashion drowning, complete with ruffled billowing drapery for that “Ophelia” look. Only with more bubbles, and a ghastly oxygen-deprived pallor instead of Ophie’s creamy off-white. Protip: Nobody’s modesty is preserved by a pair […]

Idle hands
Idle hands

    I wish this was a mystery, it’s not. Somehow, if this was an alien artifact from Dimension 14, it would actually make a little more sense, But jarring color schemes, strange gesticulations, and an odd “I Dream of Jeannie” logo do not an alien culture make, unless 11-year-old girls are an alien culture. […]

No, no, NO!
No, no, NO!

You fool! You acephalic cretin! Can’t you get ANYTHING right?!? What the hell kind of preschool did we send you to, anyway? I mean, left and right? Basic color theory? What kind of garbage is that? There’s only one thing that’s worth knowing in this world. One…simple…fact. And you blew it. If life was a […]

unpleasant meat horse
unpleasant meat horse

There are some things–chief among them clowns, but I would also include my 3rd grade teacher–that exist just to terrify children into a sense of vague catatonia, where playing, talking, really, any gerund, becomes a source of trama. Best not to do anything, just sit and rock back and forth and have fear. Unpleasant meat […]

Ticklewiggles and Hos
Ticklewiggles and Hos

Have an absolutely psychotic holiday this year!   Not sure what happened. They drove a few nails into the snowman’s head and he flipped out. He was sawing the head off the light-up Rudolf in the front yard muttering “all work and no play makes Frosty a dull boy!” At least until the temperature hit […]

We love our sepia-toned foster child
We love our sepia-toned foster child

Unless of course his NAME was Foster. I can’t tell. I just hope Camp Foster 2012 had a better photographer. I can see it now. Kid: *innocently reading* Mom: *Flashes camera and runs.* [six months pass] Kid: MOM!!! What are you WEARING?!? I’m going to kill myself now, you know, and it’ll be the only […]

Problematic Cheetah
Problematic Cheetah

Ironically, I think this cheetah’s wheels aren’t going to help it go any faster. Now, it’s probably not fair to pick on a kid’s wooden toy for being scientifically inaccurate, but we have to draw the line somewhere. Our children’s academic standing is at stake here. Plus, it’s a particularly silly-looking toy. Like some wacky […]

Sweet Princess Pica
Sweet Princess Pica

So, I discovered “Adventure Time” this week. Just saying. When you get right down to it, no princess is really happy until she’s filled, totally filled, with dimes. That’s what royalty is about. You can even see how close they are to being full, because royals have large, transparent bellies. You can generally judge the […]

Never trust a smiling table saw
Never trust a smiling table saw

It’s been a while since I felt a rush of danger in the toy section. I’m glad to get that resolved, the thrift scene just hasn’t been as adrenaline-filled since the Goodwill on 2222 moved the glassware away from sporting goods section. This is what happens when they make a Saturday morning cartoon based on […]