Aaaaaaaand, clowns
Aaaaaaaand, clowns

Unlike whipping cream, a kiss from mom, or a $50 bill, clowns never make it better. So in the spirit of pre-holiday dread and the interminable suffering that is Friday…have some clowns. Don’t bogart that seltzer water, man. Pass it around, let everybody have a squirt. Smiling on the outside, blitzed out of her gourd […]

I don’t know what this is…
I don’t know what this is…

but I bet it makes a LOT of noise. I mean, look on it. It’s 1) a clown, 2) on a unicycle, 3) and I think it’s supposed to be a five-year-old. Think of the racket. I mean, it even looks like one of those little noisemaker rattles for new years, the ones made of […]

Pedalling frantically, staying still
Pedalling frantically, staying still

The thing about a clown race is…there are no winners.¬†Particularly¬†when everybody is taped down, but it’s broadly true regardless. Fancy leopard print hats? Still clowns. Please note that this is definitive proof that clowns live in fear of God. See how they peddle. It does them no good, because…tape. Perhaps the pure light of heaven […]

Not a happy clown.
Not a happy clown.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that clowns really aren’t funny. However, some of them just gave up on the idea of “funny.” They saw humor, dodged around it, went straight to a 50% blend of apathy and disgust. “You want funny? I’ll tell you funny. Funny is when you spend a year saving up […]

Bad case of clownpox
Bad case of clownpox

This is what happens when you leave a clown in the bathtub too long. They get all puffy and bloated. I don’t know what the spots are, though. A costume can’t get an ugly skin condition…can it? I guess you could catch anything if you spent all day rubbing up against a clown. Hold onto […]

Separated at birth?
Separated at birth?

  In most cases, I can deny any sort of involvement in these projects, and just pretend that my home town is a hip little oasis in the middle of Texas, but once in a while I get a grim reminder that there really isn’t an escape from country craft. It’s everywhere. And it has […]

Cone Shell Tragedies
Cone Shell Tragedies

So there’s a category of shell art which uses shells as the medium, rather than the message. I personally regard this as somewhat uninspired, because you can make anything by gluing cone shells to a plastic base. Go to the taxidermy store, get the right frame, and make yourself a shell art antelope. Please. I’d […]

Rare funnelclown
Rare funnelclown

This may be the last vestige of a dead species, a race of clowns whose “funny” wide-brimmed pants have evolved so that he can trap food in his pants, like a baleen whale with a mouth filled with seltzer water. So majestic. Anyway, it seems weirdly tragicomic that he’s used for an ashtray now. But […]

Inappropriate clowning
Inappropriate clowning

I think we may return to this shelf in the near future. There was a lot going on here, it’s hard to capture its grand majesty in a single post. Let us not, for an instant, suppose that clowning is ever appropriate, or that there is a market for buffoonery. However, some clowning is more […]

Do not save
Do not save

Once in a while I remember those immortal words from Stephen King’s Pet Sematary.¬†Sometimes…sometimes dead is better. Particularly when I see someone trying to pull a clown back from a messy demise. There should be some sort of “comedic bystander” law. There are, of course, a variety of emotional responses to the prevention of clown […]