And then there were all these mystery bottles on the shelf at Savers. I didn’t know what was in them. I knew what was on them, it looked like someone had pressed strands of husky fur into sealing wax. Not sure why, it seemed an unnecessary feature. Step one: cover bottle in a thin layer of powdered baby […]
I have never wanted anything more in life than to smell like a Trojan’s head. I can understand the need to market men’s cosmetics in a way that makes them, well, manly. But I don’t think this was the way to go. Also, when you’re done with your eau de legionnaire be sure to donate […]
The bleak season of winter descends, plunging us into a weird gray void that might just lighten up by March, but no promises. As we take down the Christmas lights, a bulb burns out with a brief flare and the vague smell of distressed tungsten. The holidays…the holidays are over. There was one gold-wrapped imported […]
So, one time I saw, in package, a “life doll.” It was really creepy–a full-sized lady person in a big plastic canister, presumably ready to assist with any number of base needs and desires, although she’d probably want to get out of her big canister first. This is kind of like that. Except instead […]
At least, I believe them to be pigs. The first one might possibly be a dog. Or it could be a pig-dog, or “pog,” which would have to be the single messiest animal on the planet, besides a teenager. Look at its face. It’s having existential doubt. Isn’t that sweet? Although if I didn’t know […]
We were pleased this year to find Christmas available in convenient 12 and 18-oz bottles. This first one, though, is not bottled Christmas. It’s bottled starfruit. But with the lovely (?) red peppers that look like a cross section of a cow with really bad capillary seeding, I think the stars are quite festive. One […]
This guy narrowly escaped being labeled “NSFW.” It’s hardly something he could help–lots of bottles end up being kind of, well, narrowed and tapered and such, but not many of them are…ah…quite this streamlined. Typically bottles aren’t something I’d accuse of having a dirty leer, but if there was ever a bottle capable of it, […]
It’s like three days after Thanksgiving, and I’m just now starting to feel like I haven’t eaten an entire pumpkin. For the last three days, this bottle and me, we were on the same page. In a “form follows function” sort of thing, if you’d put absinthe in an elegant bottle crafted to resemble a […]
It’s really appropriate that we can begin this venture into bottled unpleasantness with a pig’s butt. Because, let’s face it, if a pig thinks there’s something more interesting than whatever is in your bottle, you’ve done something wrong. Pigs don’t really have standards. They eat compost soaked in buttermilk, you feed them anything and it […]
“Things in oil” are the holiday fruitcakes of the thrift world. You can’t quite get rid of them with a clean conscience, but you definitely don’t want to ingest them. Although a proper fruitcake will stay in roughly the same state of edibility through the procession of the years. Things in oil–no, you can see their […]