Only it was covered in fog and soaked in lighting effects, and astronauts took it into their ship, and then the next two acts were mostly regret and screaming. In that respect, like many relationships, though most of us have to get by with fewer astronauts. This may, at first, seem innocuous. In fact it […]
In a sensible universe, you could take the lid off of something like this, fill it with, I don’t know, peanuts, or those cheapie-cheap halloween spider rings or something. No, this was sealed shut, like some sort of weird pod, maybe a bomb, something that explodes in clouds of smoke that spiral like dark cartoon […]
I don’t know if this is referring to a period of time or making a bold philosophical or possibly religious statement. Since I’m writing this at 9 during an unusually brutal week, I’m going to assume that this semiformless mass of phlegmatic unpleasantness, much in appearance as a couch from a 1980s motel balled up […]
I’m not going to begin to speculate on what the artistic intent of this was. Instead, I’m going to speculate on what would happen if a giant clam somehow struggled from the bottom of the ocean, crawled–do clams crawl?–across the great wasteland that is Texas, crawled up onto a shelf at the Salvation Army, died, […]
There’s a reason I never “got” abstract-expressionist art. People that ask “yes, but what does it mean?” get kicked out of abstract expressionist galleries and shows. Also, I don’t personally think that art should look that much like a test pattern. Or, in this case, the contents of a baby’s diaper when said baby experienced […]
Because, frankly, elves are pretty hateable. Perfect hair, perfect skin, don’t age a day until 350 and then “go west,” which I believe would be San Francisco. So if you have an elf in your life, whom, by extension, you hate, buy them this. Tell them it’s the newest fashion in shoes. Sadly, there’s only […]
This was threatening customers in the “Woodcraft” aisle of the big Goodwill on 2222. And they were right to feel threatened. It’s hard to say if this is a wood shop project or an alien life form, ready to crawl from the top shelf, scuttle around the corner to the toy section, and disembowel and/or […]
So pretty much every level surface in my room is filled with…stuff. I do occasionally buy these dreadful things, and between that, the empty bottles from my meds and the carefully rinsed and cleaned sour cream tubs, that’s pretty much it so far as viable storage space goes, and it’s kind of an effort to […]
Now, if we only knew what it was. I started out pretty confident that it was a shoehorn for one of Santa’s elves, but now, not so sure. You can see the source of my initial confusion. If you wanted to wedge your foot into a foot long, curly, bell-toed sort of a poulaine thing, […]
“The crystal…the crystal tells me that you will eat…too much! And your children will…will…will fight over small things, like who got more little chocolates. The crystal shows me much of the holiday, much that might otherwise go unseen…you did not buy enough batteries for all the toys that will beep and make noise, and will […]