So in sixth grade, when I was briefly in a program for the criminally insane, the nice ladies with calm, soothing voices gave me a book of arts and crafts. No, really, it’s all true, just dull. Anyway, it had a suggestion for making apple-headed dolls.
I thought, “well, that sounds cute.” Â But my love affair with apple-headed dolls ended like a Texas spring–that is, after five or six minutes.
It’s really just as well.
And there’s something very wrong with the people of Minnesota’s North Shore. They probably didn’t spend enough time with the nice ladies with soothing voices, if THIS is what they’re up Â to. And I’m looking at you, Pamela.
If you listen…ever so carefully…you can hear granny sneaking around on her dainty little feet.
BOOM. BOOM. BOOOOOM.
A lady of contrasts. Granny has a tiny, wizened head, and MASSIVE feet that would put a kangaroo to shame. This is because granny’s head is made of an apple, and her feet are made of boulders.
Her fist, however, is made of righteousness, and heavy-gauge wire. Presumably her heart is made of gold, but I never got that far. Because I was frightened of her.
Tiny-headed apple people are really too much for me. Even without the straw hair, which really is only good for frightening off crows. No, I’m really distressed that an apple can be compressed, black-hole like, into a tiny particule of ultradense matter from which not even facial expressions can escape. Basically, this is what the Wicked Witch looked like six months after Dorothy landed.
Someone should really clean that up. It’s starting to develop personality.
Savers on South Lamar, Austin