Okay, Goodwill, let’s just pause, step back a bit, and address some quality control issues, okay? Just a few…little…things. This goes beyond “make sure the Easter Bunny has a head when you sell them,” and far, far past “the box with the picture of the small personal stereo should ideally contain a small personal stereo, and not just be a box, because we cannot sell just a box, no matter how good our intentions are we are NOT trying to sell the flash.” No, this is a very basic, very simple concept.

If you sell a plate, rinse off the plate, okay? Seriously. We know it’s used, we don’t need a demonstration.

“Hi, I’m Nelma.”

“Hi, Nelma. You’re in a safe place here.”

“I’m with the group because…”

“Let it out, Nelma. Let the pain out.”

“sniff.”

“It’s okay, baby, you’re with friends here.”

“I came here because I have a perfectly flat face and a perfectly flat head and my hair’s done up like Wolverine and I’ve stuck blueberries to the side of my head.”

“That’s good baby, you’re with friends here. We all got flat faces and flat heads and Wolverine hair and blueberries on the sides of our heads. We got to stick together.”

“I love you all.”

“We love you too, Logan.”

“Logan?”

“I mean, Nelma.”

…So, Goodwill?
Yes?
This is about that thing we were talking about before?
Thing? We were talking about a thing?
Yeah, the, uh, thing about washing plates before you sell them.

Uh…why? Were you talking about something like that?
Yeah, just like, five paragraphs ago. Before the crazy snub-nosed victorian girl with the salad bowl for a hat.
She was pretty cool.
You’re changing the subject.
No, I’m not. You never said anything about washing plates. I totally didn’t hear that. La la la la.
You’ve got your fingers in your ears, Goodwill.
Do not.

Okay, just…never mind.

You know, it’s been like five years and I’m not sure where “Plate with Food” came from. I have a vague recollection of thinking it was the most disgusting thing I’d seen at the Savers on South Lamar, but I was proven wrong later. Pretty pretty princess…which, really, isn’t a plate, but it was round, and that’s kind of on topic, right?…from Texas Thrift on I35 and 51st, Princess Wolverine from Salvation Army on 183 near 620, Austin.

New from the makers of “Chia-Zoo” and “The Shining” comes…greenimals! Greenimals produce their own oxygen, smell like fresh lawn, and probably aren’t plotting against you!

Well, we’re not sure about that.

The squirrel in the middle is definately up to something. He’s got that slit-eyed, heavy-browed expression that says “there’s more in this world than acorns, and I’m going to take it.” Plus, either these squirrels are the size of lions, or the lions got thrown in the washer too long, because this scene is NOT to scale.

Perhaps they came from another dimension, through a fiery red portal, on the other side of which is a land where giant photosynthetic rodents ride mighty lion steeds into battle, and now they’ve emerged into our world, in their mossy greenish horror, to take it from our weak, pink, non-chlorophyllinated hands. Soon THEY will be having our fine dinners, driving our cars, and sitting in the first class section, and WE will be left holding their nuts. Or something. I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I’m really not. So here’s a guy with a cough drop for a head.

It is truly said, “when you have met a man with a cough drop for a head, you have met a man who is afraid of cold and flu season.” Wise words.

Don’t drink that froofy party beverage, you’ll dissolve yourself!

Greenimals from the Goodwill on 2222–in 2007, it’s been a while! Cough Drop Guy from the Savers on South Lamar, Austin.

Ever wonder what mad cow disease looks like? Kind of like this. But maybe less cheerful. Still the same “little orphan Annie” eyes though, and the angry howling grin. They probably eat brains, too.

Sort of like a blasphemous cross between a Holstein and a rubber glove. Or maybe the mascot of a Japanese seafood company, the happy beefsquid. Very happy. In fact, the beefsquid is THRILLED to be dehydrated and cut into small cow-shaped pieces. Look at that face!

The cat, however, is a little bit doubtful about the entire thing, as she peeks around the side of the massive seagoing bovine. She’s not sure if she can eat all of that beefsquid. Her jaws are going to wear out. A long time before she can eat even half of it, she’s going to be asking for a doggie bag. Or cat box. And that beefsquid? It’ll still be smiling. Because that’s how beefsquids roll.

Savers on Burnet near 2222, Austin