…And Our Lady of the Late Model Ford wishes you a blessed holiday, too. May your fenders never rust.
As a thrift reporter, I make a special point never to tamper with the beautiful things I find shoved to the back of the Brick-a-Brack shelves. Luckily, some people do these things for me, and then I figure they’re fair game. When I picked this adorable scene of holy…uh…something or other? up, the baby’s lovely lovely head fell off. What a shame! It may be that I was the only person who saw this miraculous apparition, but I do feel quite blessed.
Our Lady of the Late Model Ford. Truly one of the martys who suffered for her faith. Because…that delivery was a tricky one.
There needs to be a Christmas carol for this one. Maybe “God rest you, Chevy Cherokees,” or “It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like a Toyota Takoma.”
I figured we should really start the Christmas festivities with the star of the show, Frosty Jesus. Sadly, I don’t have any good pictures of him, so we’ll just settle for this one.
I think he’s some kind of squash.
Okay, this isn’t terrible, it doesn’t look like Mary’s about to eat the poor kid, and it’s maybe a little unfair to set something to x10 magnification and then mock it. But doesn’t he look like something from the Beavis and Butt-head nativity? Just a bit?
That, and I think Mary’s about to put the son of god into a log flume. Really, that straw has a vivid, lively sense of motion that you don’t see in just any manger.
“And there he goes! Woosh!”
“Mary, have a little sense of the moment, this is the messiah after all.”
“Yeah, but look how quickly he goes down the chute!”
“Okay, that is pretty miraculous…hey, is he even in the water?”
“Nope. You should see him at bathtime, it’s all kinds of special.”
Aaand, these guys. This is kind of a cheat because I know I wrote these guys up in the original Thrift Shop Horrors community, but you know, if I see them again, it’s like a new thing.
There’s a lot of evidence that Jesus wasn’t actually whiter than a bleached Osmund. After all, he was Jewish, and from the middle East. This does lend a certain darkness of skin and hair to one’s appearance, even if JC was one of those rare albino messiahs. But we shouldn’t tamper with people’s simple faiths.
…the lipstick’s got to go. I know, every darn Jesus I see is quite the cracker, ethnic roots notwithstanding. But this is just a bit too much!
I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…
Meanwhile, Joseph’s whispering, “He’s not a bad kid, but I’m not sure that Adonai, the god of the mountains and king of Heaven, is really our sort of people. If that brown smear doesn’t wash off, we’re going to have to renegotiate this weird foster-father thing.”
“Whoops. Some look around under the manger, it fell off again. Does anyone have a very small late model Ford I could borrow?”
“You’re no help…”
“Myrrh or candle…myrrh or candle…2000 years from now, what’s going to look better on a postcard? These are damn good candles though. Oh hell, it’s candles all the way. Hey, get me three camels, these are going to Bethlehem.”
Our Lady of the Late Model Ford from Goodwill on 2222, Beavis Jesus from Community Thrift in San Antonio, very very white Holy Family from Goodwill on Stassney in South Austin (though first discovered five years ago in Leander), Headless Jesus from Goodwill on 183 near 620. And Wandering Balthazaar, again, from St. Vincent De Paul’s in Round Rock.