Stand back, they may be hungry.
With Bad Art, you really have to ask yourself, “What was the artist’s vision?” What was he, she, or in the case of the Thai Elephant Orchestrapossibly it, trying to achieve? In the case of our friends the Raggedies, the artist’s intent must have been punitive. Someone, somewhere was having too much fun, so they get…the Raggedies.
How do you build a rag doll? First you find a bare pink torso, preferably one with the eyes already sewn on. Eyes that come to sharp little points, eyes that cut. Then you give it a serrated mouth, like unto some sort of lizard, or demon, or lizard-demon. Or Steve Buscemi, which is possibly redundant.
If you still hate the world as much as you did when you started, give them strange baggy circles around their edges. Huge, puffy, sunken orbs. Don’t think “cute little manniken,” think “bubble-eye goldfish.” And then, to express your deep, primal hatred of the recipient of this masterpiece, climb to the top of an oak tree, pull down every piece of ball moss you can reach, and spray-paint them orange. Against all logic, glue them to the poor, benighted thing’s head.
Then, dress them in yellow. See if they scream.
Actually, they look strangely happy. They’re doing little jigs of delight, indeed, they’re practically capering. One could imagine them stepping off the wall in a merry, slightly awkward dance. Probably the last dance of the night, since they have an unfortunate resemblance to a bizarre hybrid of rag doll, a navel orange, and a cheerful piranha. In a best-case scenario, your jacket is savaged beyond rescue.
Then, give them to your favorite child. Count how long it takes for all the joy to drain from their lives. See them cringe before going into their playroom at night. You know that bit in the story where the toys come to life?
That’s the worst part.
…Oh. Since I’m never going to find a better use for it, here’s another Raggedy. This one politely demands the heart of Snow White.
All raggedies found at the Goodwill on Metric and 183. Every time I go there I want a cigarette afterward, it’s that good.