Run! The lake is coming for us!
Run! The lake is coming for us!

Finishing off a week of landscapes with this dip into terrifying surrealism, where a giant lake with four eyes and an all-devouring maw creeps across the land, amoeboid-like, seeing to devour a volkswagon-sized…beetle of some sort. Possibly a goliath beetle, or some sort of spider-ladybug hybrid. Overhead, the sun strikes out in all directions, its […]

This end up
This end up

I’ve been studying this one for quite some time, and I’m a little lost as yet. I’m filing it under “peculiar thrift store landscapes,” at least as long as it’s sideways, but it really may just be high school art. Don’t know. Forgetting my high school Spanish, I thought poder was that guy from Game […]

Do not believe this landscape.
Do not believe this landscape.

It tells lies. Reality, fiction, perspective, traffic laws, all is mixed up together like a sweet potato, asparagus and granola lasagna. It does not blend, the colors are wrong, and it comes back to haunt you in the bathroom. This is kind of the spaghetti intersection version of the Myth of Sisyphus, the one where […]

Adventures in Second-Rate Painting
Adventures in Second-Rate Painting

My partner is painting the spare bedroom now, and occasionally I hear crashes. So I’m going to be hiding behind my monitor now, and meditating on the subject of bad DIY painting. It’s kind of a recurring theme. Meet Little Lord Fauntleroy. Actually, that’s a dinosaur behind him, so he’s TITANIC Lord Fauntelroy, towering over […]

Fort Sara
Fort Sara

Tiny, undefendable, mostly flooded. It’s Fort Sarah, last and final location of the Battle of Metric and Parmer, where three brave soldiers held the fortress against an army of over 300, until they could get the front gate open and throw the keys across the moat. So about two minutes. Nobody’s been able to close […]

Plenty of fish on the shelf
Plenty of fish on the shelf

Seriously, shell artist. You balked at the hat? the single easiest part of a fisherman to replace with, I don’t know, a half clam, a cowrie, one of those little spiralling winkle things with the points. Make him a pretty shell princess, or a shell monk, or whatever. There are so many options. But you […]

Those usually come in pairs.
Those usually come in pairs.

There are some word that you just never have the oppo to use in the singular form. This is a tong. This may be one of the most useless items I’ve ever seen at the Salvation Army, which is a pretty high bar. Not only have we lost our one unique selling proposition in some sort […]

Anguish of Spoon
Anguish of Spoon

I understand the dish ran away with the spoon, but after that it was endless hours of passive-aggressive arguing, veiled accusations about the time so-and-so spent with the knife, and sullen silences under dinner. There is no sadness like the sadness of a plate-faced man. He has seen so many things. The crumbs of a […]

About Professor Read-A-Lot
About Professor Read-A-Lot

At first, I kind of liked Professor Read-A-Lot. He had, frankly, a pretty awesome moustache, and I always found a man with a slide-rule extremely attractive. And mom said that I should always trust someone wearing a lab coat and nothing else, and this was the first time it came up. He seemed to have a […]

Aaaaaaaand, clowns
Aaaaaaaand, clowns

Unlike whipping cream, a kiss from mom, or a $50 bill, clowns never make it better. So in the spirit of pre-holiday dread and the interminable suffering that is Friday…have some clowns. Don’t bogart that seltzer water, man. Pass it around, let everybody have a squirt. Smiling on the outside, blitzed out of her gourd […]